Back To Square One

Lil' E has been going to her babysitter one day a week to keep things consistent, but after a few red flags the search for the best situation for our children continues.  Why are we on the hunt again? Let's see where should I begin?

The fact that she came home saying inappropriate and disturbing words that I think were learned from the five year old boy that goes there.  That the babysitter watches regular television during the day, like Judge Judy or the news, rather than kid friendly stations.  Or that she was reading the newspaper when I dropped her off and cutting out coupons when I picked her up, as the children snacked.  I wanted to die when I heard her tell a child, "stop doing that before I give you a punch in the nose." Kidding or not, if I said that in my profession, I would lose my job.  The straw that broke the camel's back was when she told me that I made the same mistake her niece did and I hold our baby too much.  She is 12 weeks old, would you like her to walk around or a do an Irish jig? That was it! She had no business criticizing my parenting.  I immediately realized she will NEVER have the patience and attention to attend to our infant.  All I want is someone to nurture them, keep them safe, and have patience with them.  I get that being a working mother there will never be anyone that will take care of our children exactly like me, and they don't have to, but they do need to take care of them like they are their own.  

This week has been a tough one.  I am trying to wrap my head around the idea of returning to work, which is completely emotional and now even more so because I don't know where they will end up, yet again.  We need something that is consistent, so we have been entertaining the daycare idea again, however financially it is more than our mortgage and I don't think we will ever be able to afford it.  It is also an extremely long day for them, longer than my actual work day, it's heartbreaking!

Hiring someone to come to the house is unfair to our two year old because she needs the stimulation and socialization to be with other children.  Paying two people, one for the infant to stay home and one for daycare, is just as expensive as full daycare.  Staying home longer isn't an option, as we need my salary.  My husband staying home also isn't an option because if my school makes cuts again, I am first to go and we would need to be under my husband's insurance. Where do we go from here...back to the drawing board!

I know it has worked out in the past and we will figure something out.  I just wish I could enjoy my maternity leave and go back to work with a clear head that they are in good hands.  Now, I'll constantly be counting down the days until vacations and summer, so I can pretend for a few weeks out of the year that I am what I would love to be, a SAHM.