The Curveball

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.  Something unexpected, out of the blue, a little harder to handle, but it's manageable. Going back to work last year when Lil E was only 14 weeks old was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I knew I had to, it was expected and planned, and I had time to get used to the idea.  I never actually got used to the idea, the day after I returned to work I found out I was being laid off.  That was easy, I thought.  Now I get to stay home with my baby by fate.  

Lil E's first birthday is just around the corner.  She is about to take her first steps, has started to talk, and there are so many incredible things that I was thrilled to be home to get to see her do.  Here comes the  curveball...

I recently found out I have to return to work, after spending almost an entire year home with my baby.  I could barely breath when I heard this news.  I've spent the last few days crying my eyes out.  Things were going so well and life was just where I wanted it to be.  Why did this happen? I say everything happens for a reason, yet I can't quite figure out this one.

After an extensive, high-pressure search, we think we have found a babysitter.  She'll be coming by tomorrow for a trial run.  I realize some moms enjoy working, I am not one of them.  I break down every time I think of the idea of leaving her with someone else 40 hours a week. I know there are worse things in the world and after being so angry, upset, and anxious, I am finally comes to terms with the idea that this is actually happening.  I am so fortunate I was able to spend every single minute of the first year of my daughter's life with her.  I think there is more separation anxiety on my end than hers because lately besides, tutoring, a shower or wedding here and there, I have never been away from her. I wish I didn't have to leave her, but financially it is our best and only option.  Babies are resilient, I know she'll adjust.  

The question is, will I?